Battle Plans

Anyone that has owned a beagle or a hound, in general, knows they tend to go rancid after a bit and they can get pretty darn smelly and downright crusty around the edges. They like to improve on this rancidness by finding and rolling in the most disgusting thing they can find. Then they eat it and if it was really bad, throw it up in the house where you can step in it... usually in your bare feet. Because Bailey is essentially a house dog, when the house starts smelling like dog feet or rank hound, it's time to get a bath. We had a dog, Fergus, the border collie, who would take care of his coat. In the warmer months, he would roll in the dust, shake off and then roll in grass. His coat was always shiny and was rarely objectionable. He only got a bath in the spring. The beagle? 3-4 times a year depending on whether she has rolled in something or not.

The week of the event, plan with other family members which day it will happen. Keep the tone casual and do not use the offending b-word (bath), because you don't want the beagle to know what is coming. Then it will be on its guard, waiting for it. This will complicate things because it will start living under a bed and act suspicious of everyone and be much harder to catch. This is not usually a problem with the smaller types of beagle. Just scoop them up and haul their tail to the tub. A big beagle, such as Bailey, who weighs over 50 lbs and stands 24 inches at the shoulder, is a struggle of epic proportions. Form a game plan of who does what. Who will lure her into the bathroom, what kind of treat will be the bait, etc. Plan for the eventuality that the beagle figures out it's a trap and who will grab it's collar, who will push, who will pull, who will slam the door shut, who will wrestle it into the bath tub, who will do the restraining during the bath, what words are acceptable to say and by whom when the beast escapes the tub, who will hold the towel for it when it gets out and prepares to shake. This is a carefully choreographed montage between man and beast. If someone fails to do their part, the beagle gets away in a flurry of paws, possibly soap and water flinging everywhere, and it crawls underneath the bed for a week or so and will only come out at night to scavenge.

Two days before the event, put the dog shampoo on the edge of the tub. This will make the beagle nervous and twitchy, but leave it there until the beagle becomes accustomed to seeing it in that position. It usually takes about 2 days for it to calm down. The next thing is very important. The day of the event, try to act normal. Don't let the beagle sense your apprehension because instead of lying in a near coma like state on the couch, it will figure out it is bath day and will crawl so far under a bed you can barely reach it with a broom. Poking it with the broom rarely produces anything other than a sneeze from yourself and the dog when the dust is stirred up. The skirmish in the bathroom will be postponed until the household goes back to pre-bath mode and the beagle is lured into a false sense of security. This stand down will be an edgy time for the family. Everyone will be eying each other with suspicion, accusations will be made, the tension will be unbearable, and this scenario really ought to be avoided. So, remember, act natural. Do not vary the daily routine. You must take the beagle unawares.

When the moment of truth arrives, silently nod to the others to assume their positions and gently wake the beagle with the rustling of a bread wrapper. Hopefully, it suspects nothing, and will come to investigate. Do not ask the beagle if it wants a treat, it will become immediately suspicious because it never gets a treat unless it does something to deserve it. It will know immediately it is a trap and instead of investigating will high tail it under the bed and all will be lost. Perhaps casually make a sandwich and nonchalantly wander into the bathroom, hoping it just follows. If it is a young beagle and this has not happened more than a few times, the likelihood this ruse will work is great. If it is a veteran beagle who has had 3 baths a year for more than a couple of years, it is at this point it may bolt. The best you can hope for is that it stands at the threshold looking in, measuring up the situation. Should it go in and beg for a piece of food or should it run in a panic? This is a crucial moment. This hesitancy doesn't last long and everyone needs to be prepared to take advantage of it. Remember, your team is a well oiled machine that will spring the trap in a blink of the eye and everyone should take this as the cue to plunge into action. The older they get, the less inclined they are to fall for a trap and are not inclined to just come in and beg so this moment may be the only opportunity. It is at this point the skirmish may become an epic battle. Someone's hand needs to be on the collar or the day is lost. The pulling and pushing may begin in earnest and hopefully the dog did it's contemplating very close to the threshold so the distance to the tub is not too great. If the dog stays on its feet, it is much easier to push/pull/drag the victim to its destination. Bailey has learned if she lies down it delays the inevitable by a minute or so because it's like trying to move a sack of potatoes. She has the advantage of owners that do not want to hurt her and she uses it. This is when the sandwich should be deployed. Put it within lunging distance of the animal. If that doesn't work, comment on how tasty the sandwich is. Take a bite of it and thoroughly enjoy it, roll your eyes in ecstasy, sing praises of the sandwich to the gods. Let the beast smell it, then quickly position it within lunging distance but closer/further into the bathroom. 9 times out of 10 the beagle just goes for it and while it is gobbling down the sandwich, push it into the bathroom, slam and lock the door.

Have a plan in place if the beagle just bolts. It usually is a free for all and looks like a skit from the Three Stooges, but have an idea of who will do what in the event this happens. Have someone standing by with video equipment. It will be great viewing on You-Tube and may even go viral.

Bathing A Beagle, Part 2 is the continuation of the this article.